Another Year Almost Here

It is hard to always stay focused on the positive when there is so much pain in the world. We are only a few days away from the year 2009, and only a few days left in 2008. Time certainly moves at a steady pace and we are helpless as we watch the moments we live become memories we cherish.

I am so glad I enjoyed every moment of being married to my husband and raising our twin sons, and while she was with us, raising my step-daughter. As my husband and I watch our sons finish their last year of high school, we reflect on the joyous times we shared with our precious boys. Even in the midst of the pain we suffer, we have built a solid foundation of love for one another, a desire to work for peace in our relationships, and a dedication to forgiving one another for our faults and mistakes.

It's hard to always see the good when there is so much pain in our own families, in our own lives. With loving relationships, we can find good in the midst of the darkness. And when we focus on our first and most important relationship with God, we are able to know the love and forgiveness needed to enjoy our family and friend relationships right here, right now.

Time moves quickly, whether it's a minute, an hour, a day, week, month, or year, time does not stand still for anyone, but Jesus. When He came to earth, time stood still, and we can know the timeless love of the Father through His Son, Jesus Christ. This Christmas Season may we embrace the perfect love of Jesus and be filled with the peace and joy only God can provide. And may the Grace of God fill our families with forgiveness and hope.

Amen

Blink and It's Gone

It's hard to believe it's November already. I was reading my past posts and it seems like yesterday when I last blogged, but the date shows two months have subtly slipped by. It amazes me how quickly time passes, and as a mother and a teacher, it seems like there is never enough time.

In less than two weeks my twin sons will be celebrating their 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday when I brought them home from the hospital and sat on the couch crying as they both cried in stereo. I was a terrified young mother of two precious babies and it was time to think of someone other than myself for the second time in my life. To sacrifice for my sons has been an awesome privelege, but sacrificing for my husband has been a difficult journey.

My marriage is an adventure, which is both challenging and rewarding. In a culture where traditional marriage is under attack, divorce is the norm, and children are treated as possessions in nasty battles, I have been blessed with a lasting and happy marriage. Though my eighteen year marriage has been a bumpy road to travel, it has also been an exciting journey of love. My husband and I have chosen our marriage over self many times throughout the years, and with our sacrifice, we have found great joy in each other and the family we have built.

In our society today, we are still fighting about marriage and who can get married. We have lost focus in the middle of this war, while many battles have been fought defending traditional marriage and promoting modern unions. We have lost focus about what marriage is all about in the first place. Now, judges and politicians are demanding a definition of marriage in order to say who can get married in our country. Unfortunately, the question of the purpose of marriage is clouded by the demands for individual rights. For me, marriage is about sacrifice, for your spouse, your children, your community, and your country. But because of all this fighting and confusion, marriage has become a game, and no one is the winner.

I believe marriage is a union between one man and one woman and it is the most solid foundation for bringing children into the world. Strong family units create strong societies, and the new American family televised in our modern culture doesn't even begin to stand against the trials and tribulations of the world. Instead we have let the selfish desires of individuals influence the real purpose of marriage. Marriage, for thousands of years, had the essential purpose of building families, which in turn built societies. In modern years, marriage has become nothing more than a cultural controversy of who can get married and for what reasons. And in the midst of all this arguing, families are divorcing, wars are being waged between parents and children, and courts are settling heated family disputes. All of this bitter division has cost our country, not only money, but it has cost us our unity.

Maybe we need to stop fighting, and start loving. Maybe we need to respect one another and support marriage as it has been since the beginning of time for the sake of the common good. Maybe we need to act unselfishly and sacrifice our individual wants for the benefit of the whole group. It's time to decide why we have marriage in the first place and then defend the very purpose of it. Marriage is the foundation for families and the solid rock on which our country stands...without strong marriages and families, what will happen to our society?

Maybe it's time, we the people of the United States of America make the ultimate sacrifice...let marriage be!

Ultimate Sacrifice

There’s deep sorrow but no contempt for this world of death and despair.

Who’s at fault for our human condition?

If all are innocent, can death be fair?

There’s deep loneliness to try to attempt to live completely unique and unaware.

Who’s responsible for this worldly opposition?

God alone is sovereign, should we ask with prayer?

There’s deep awe in tempting our God for His passion is to especially care.

Who’s going to give eternal life with His mission?

Why recklessly refuse His Grace that is abundantly rare?

There’s deep desire to love and be loved only a few are exempt from His plan to pair.

Who’s willing to watch over God’s marriage tradition?

It’s time to let Christ lead us, In His sacrifice we must share.

With Love, Kristin A. Ball

February 26, 2001

Life, Death, and What's Real

Life seems so trival in our society, and this truth is not any different than it was in the past. History has proven that human beings disregard the life of human beings. Because we fear death so much, we try to control it, we try to make it our choice. But we have no choice, death on this earth is inevitable. This reality has driven me to find a way to accept death as something more than just death, more than just the end of life on earth. Instead, I have come to believe, through the Good News of Jesus Christ, death is the the birth of a new life. In my search for the desire of my heart, I found Jesus to be the Resurrection, the way to life, the truth who lives.

Born as a Catholic, and still a devoted practicing Catholic who loves the tradition, the sacraments, Mary and the Pope, I believe Jesus is Real Life. Even though my faith has been an intricate part of my life since I was born, I have often struggled with the Mystery of the Trinity. Always seeking answers to who God is by reading His Word, looking for proof in verses such as Genesis 1:24, where God says, "Let us make man in our image..." The italics emphasize the proof I found from God's own Word. Many years ago, this verse was proof to me, and still is, Jesus and the Spirit have always been with the Father from the beginning of creation. 

But, with my relentless searching for proof that Jesus is true, proof of who He is, and what He did, I often failed to trust Him with all my heart, mind and soul. Finally, last summer, I let go completely and gave everything to Jesus. And I discovered something truly amazing, freedom.  I discovered freedom from my sins in a way I've never experienced before, freedom from my fears, freedom from guilt and shame.  Jesus came into my heart and showed me exactly how real He is.  He is life, He is Love, and for just over a year now, I have come to love life in a new way. I love life because Jesus has shown me love for myself, and love for others.

I believe in the power of God, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  I believe in His power to destroy my demons, my sins, my blackness that have often pushed me to hate life and to desire an end to all the pain and suffering. I choose to follow Him daily, I choose Real Life. He gives me hope for life everlasting, and because I seek Him in prayer, Mass, the Eucharist, His Word, nature, and always with my husband and sons and others in my life, I have come to love life intensely. 

So often throughout my life, living would seem intolerable, and death a welcome end. But I know I must trust God and accept His Perfect Plan. He, alone, decides when to bring me home, and for now, I must learn to love my life, in spite of all the pain and suffering He asks me to endure. This journey is building me, transforming me into a perfect soul. I look forward to the day when I can live forever in unity with the Father, Son, Spirit and with the Saints of His Church. I look forward to the day when life is real, true, and perfect. Thank God for Life!

Real Life

I stand for life
but must live to embrace the truth of human death.

I search for love

but must live to love those who hate until my last breath.
I look for justice
but must live in faith that He holds righteousness in His hand.
I long for God
but must live out His plan in this painfully selfish land.

With Love,
Kristin A. Ball
February 8, 2001

There's Nothing Like Being a Mom

As I reflect on how quickly my twin sons have grown into amazing young men, I am filled with a mixture of joy and sorrow. I'm joyful because they have become the independent young men I always prayed they would become one day. I'm sorrowful, because the memories I recall of every step and stage of their lives, fills me with sweet love and, also, bitter sadness. They'll never be little again, sitting together on my lap as we rock in the rocking chair, reading a book, talking, or holding their precious little hands in mine. I remember their tiny voices, their endless questions, their curious minds, their contagious laughter. I remember, but I can't go back.

Time moves on and we can only move forward with time. My sons are marching forward into their senior year, so excited about the life they are about to embrace. Their life, not mine. I've always told them that God has special plans for them, all they need to do is trust and believe, and I must do the same. Believe and trust God will lead, guide and protect them as they live this gift of life. Of course, God is not always the most important Person in their lives as they meet wonderful young women, hang with their best buds, and experience the beauty of the world around them. But I don't give up on the faith I have taught them since the day they were born. I have written on their minds God's truth, and I pray He has written on their hearts. I wrote this poem, Sons of Wisdom, for their graduation day. I will give them these words as a perpetual prayer for their life, their future.

Today, I share it with you. May every Mom who reads these words be blessed with children who love you and blessed with joy as you continue to live the most important job on our planet. There's nothing like being a Mom.

Sons of Wisdom
Written by Kristin Ball

Dear Sons
What can I say?
To help you know
The Truth and the Way
I quietly pray
You’ll know the One
There’s no greater joy
Than faithful sons.

When you only love
What you see and touch
Not loving the One you can’t see.
Finding wisdom
In this wealthy world
Is never a reality
Ask for Wisdom
From the God of Love
And you will grow to be
The men you’re meant to be.

Only God reveals the truth
There’s little I can do
It’s the Power of the Spirit
He’ll carry you through
So when life becomes grim
Please, my sons
Don’t give up on Him.

Sons of Wisdom
You’re called to be
Greater than you think
Follow His Word
Live His Way
Stay forever linked.
Make your mistakes
Learning all you can
And you will grow to be
The men you’re meant to be.

We Are All Teachers

We teach one another and we learn from one another. Even though teaching is the career I chose which helps support my family, I know to teach is something we all do. Parents teach their children how to walk, talk, and especially, how to love. Parents teach their children about life and how to manage in this world of difficulties and challenges. Siblings teach one another how to play games, make a craft, or get along in school. Friends teach each other how to have fun, let go of worry, and depend on one another. Children teach adults and adults teach children. We spend everyday of our life on earth teaching and learning. I often tell my students that as soon as they stop learning, they stop living. I believe this to be true because growth in heart, mind, body, and soul are essential to life. When we stop growing, we shrivel up and die.

As a teacher, I have summers off. But my summers are not lazy days. Not only do I recreate mind, body, and spirit for another school year of intense curriculum, and meeting the needs of every one of my students, I also take classes to learn, to become better, to grow. I took two amazing classes this summer, stuffed with tons of information I couldn't even begin to fit into my tiny brain, but I learned a wealth of knowledge. I learned how to strive to be a better teacher, a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I wrote this poem after taking my first class in June. It's a poem for teachers, but one I think will benefit us all, because the truth is, we are all teachers.

Free From Mediocrity
By Kristin Ball

Good, Better, Best
Circle the one you choose
What kind of teacher are you?

If you choose Good that’s okay
There’s nothing wrong
With teaching the right way.
Being a Good teacher
You’re doing everything you’re asked
The students learn
and you complete the tasks.

Maybe though, you can hope to be
More than Good, it’s better you see
Wanting more for your students
Is possible when
You know you’re better
Than just being good, and then
You learn and grow everyday,
Becoming a Better teacher in every way.

Growing better leads to the Best
Making you a Great teacher
You rise above the rest.

To be the Best
You reach far and wide,
To not only teach so students learn
But to inspire, guide
and spark fires that burn.
Becoming red hot flames
They are beacons of Light,
You’re impacting your students
To stand up for what’s right.
For love and justice
Everyone finds
You are a Teacher
Freeing young minds.

After the Sorrow, Comes Joy

From Proverbs 14:13, God says, "Even in laughter the heart may be sad, and the end of joy may be sorrow." God led me to this verse one night several years ago when I was overwhelmed by another cycle of sadness, which were, and still are marked days of depression I suffer each month because of PMS. As I read God's Word that night, my heart full of painful sorrow, bitter tears I had just wept, He spoke to me. He told me joy is not a constant on this earth. I cannot always be happy, and there will be times, when in my sorrow, I still must laugh. I must save my tears of sadness for private time with Him.

As a teacher, this revelation was life changing. My depression would sometimes devastate me to the point of where I couldn't even move, but I had to get up and teach, it was my job and my calling. I wanted to find joy in teaching my students, regardless of how I felt. But there were days when I would cry in class, and it was difficult for my precious students to endure. I didn't want to burden anyone with my sadness and other emotional issues (anger, anxiety, and paranoia are also symptoms of PMS and can be a problem in maintaining healthy relationships), so I searched for a cure. I tried in vain countless medical treatments, which often made my symptoms worse.

Then, about four years ago, God spoke to me through His Word. He said, "Even in laughter the heart may be sad, and the end of joy may be sorrow." He spoke these words to me as an encouragement, and they have hung on my mirror ever since. He reminds me every day that my sadness is okay because it is the result of our human condition. When I'm sad and I weep without reason, God gives my tears purpose. Now, I weep in the presence of my Father alone, and He gives me the strength to laugh with others, even though my heart may be sad.

In the moment of sorrow, I am lost in a pit of darkness and all I can do is call out to Him and ask why?! He answers me and tells me my tears are for a reason. So I weep, an all physical and soulful sobbing for the unborn children who won't be born. I cry for my sons, my stepdaughter, my nieces and nephews, my students and all the pain and suffering our children must endure in this world. I cry for the poor, the sick and the dying. God tells me to cry because of the pain others must suffer and He gives my tears meaning. And truly, God does gather all my tears and turns them into dancing. Because after the sorrow, comes joy.

Laughter in My Sorrow
Written by Kristin Ball & Nashville Song Service

Verse
When I open my eyes
There’s someone I see
My God in the stars
Who created me
Nudging me out
For another day
Of facing this world
So dark and gray.

Chorus
Even when I laugh
My heart may be sad
And the end of my joy
Is sorrow
Yet I know Your Truth
That the sadness
Will end
And Your joy will return
Tomorrow

Verse
Each day a journey
That leads me home
Where perfect joy
And love are found
You save me, Lord
You’re Love I proclaim
You’re the Door
In Your arms I remain.

Bridge
I pray so
I can simply be
Free from this sadness
That crushes me
Without You, Dear Jesus
I could never be
One with my God
Who wants me.

The Time is Now

In recent years, I have made a sincere effort to live each day with the attitude that now is always the time to make a change with the way I think, feel, or act. To say I'm sorry, to try harder, to endure a difficult situation, to let go of anger, to choose to love are all ways I can allow my heart and mind to be transformed by God. It seems impossible at times, certain days or even hours of the day, to choose to be humble and let go of hurt. Always, though, my strength is just a breath away as I pray and reach out to the One who can make everything better. Love, peace, joy, hope, and faith-all that is good in life is perfectly found in our Creator. The time is now to be free...

Happy Independence Day!

Time
Song Poem By Kristin Ball

It's time to say I'm sorry
It's time to say I've changed
It's time to say I'm done
Of living an infernal rage
It's time to look for good
It's time to look for truth
It's time to look for hope
By finding me anew
It's time to let it go
It's time to let it fly
It's time to let it soar
And stop asking for reasons why
It's time to praise you
To give it all away
To lay it at your feet
And know I’ll be okay
It’s time to glorify You
To let Your joy shine
To point to You this day
And know You’re always mine
You’re the One I choose
You’re the Way to Life
You’re everything I need
It’s time to be free.

The Pain We Live

Every person has some kind of pain, whether it’s physical, mental, or spiritual. No matter what, we all suffer pain in our lives. Pain from illness or physical disability, pain from depression or anxiety, pain from a tortured soul caused from addictions or death. Whatever our pain, it is the pain we live.

The pain I live is my own pain of mental depression and anxiety. A severe condition I have suffered from my early twenties. It is a pain I have learned to embrace through the personal relationship I have with God through His Son Jesus Christ. By the continuous presence of the Spirit, I am able to find days of joy and to break free from the anxious worries that often seem to control me. I cannot take antidepressants to help me, so I depend on God. The Truth is constantly shown by the Spirit that deep within my heart God is near, so near that I only need to breathe. So I do.

There’s another pain I live which is not my own, it is my husband’s pain. When he was 18, he suffered a lower back injury, which translated into degenerative disk disease and years of chiropractic care to keep him working and functional. This was our life for 13 years of marriage when our world went tumbling down one cold, wintry day in 2002.

Danny fell on some ice outside of work which started the quick collapse of the L4 disk. The pain was immediate and excruciating and he lived and worked with it for another year because a doctor read the X-rays and said there was nothing wrong. (Wow! As I reflect back on this time in our journey together, I am in awe of my husband’s strength and perseverance to continue working at his job, being a great father and husband, and doing it all in constant, intense pain).

It took a year to get a referral to see a spine specialist, one of the best in Michigan, who told us Danny’s disk collapsed. He was very gracious and protected the first doctor’s reputation by saying it was very difficult to detect this type of disk protrusion because it is rare and happens in less than 10 percent of people suffering from degenerative disk disease. Thankfully, the specialist recommended a surgeon he knew who could do the necessary procedure to fix the problem, which required removal of the collapsed disk and replacing it with a titanium cage that would be filled with a substance to grow bone. This was called fusion and would result in the vertebrae being fused together as one solid bone. We did attempt to get in a study for the artificial disk replacement but Danny would not be accepted because he had possibly two levels of disks that were bad and he also had arthritis in his facet joints. Sadly, the disk replacement was approved by the FDA less than a year after Danny had the fusion. It didn’t matter though, the damage was already done and no surgery could fix the constant intense pain Danny would be destined to live.

When the disk collapsed, the disk material pushed out into the spinal canal similar to the way the white yummy crème squishes out when you squeeze an Oreo cookie. Unfortunately, Danny’s squished cookie wasn’t so yummy, the collapsed disk caused permanent nerve damage. Even more, when the surgeon opened him up, he found the L5 disk had also collapsed and he had to clean out this flattened disk and replace it with a cage as well. The surgery was a success with solid growth of bone and every thing in place, but my husband was still in pain when he woke, and has lived with it ever since.

It has been 4 years since that surgery failed to heal my husband completely, and it has been a long road of acceptance and finding a way to positively live with the pain. Like anyone out there reading this knows, physical pain wears on the mind and causes anger, depression, and thoughts of suicide. My husband has suffered all of these mental problems, directly connected to living a pain which will not go away. But he hasn’t given up. He still goes to Church every Sunday, prays everyday and says the reason he is still alive is because of “God and my wife.” I feel blessed, even in the midst of the pain and suffering. Because in spite of it all, all the hurt we must endure for a lifetime, there is hope. Hope in God, hope in healing, hope in life everlasting. No matter what, we can look to Jesus and find hope in believing and trusting in the God who loves us.

I wrote this song for my husband during one of his times of depression, to give him hope and the determination to live another day, and to live it well.

It Won’t Win
Written By Kristin Ball & Nashville Song Service

Verse
I see my reflection in
Your clear blue eyes
Deeply etched in your
Darkest skies
Seeking and Searching for
Your open door
Only to see my reflection no more


Chorus
Don’t let it win
Don’t let it break you down
Don’t let it cave you in
Cause I’m not ready
To lose you now


Verse
It has stolen you away
From me
Crushing your spirit
Making you flee
Twisting your body like a
Statue of clay
All I can do is hope and pray


Bridge
I pray for
It to end
He will free you
From the chains
I believe
He can mend
He will heal you
From your pains

Relationships

For me, Life is about relationships. Relationships begin with mom and dad and expand to include brothers and sisters, as well as extended family, neighbors, classmates, coworkers, and even stretching far beyond myself to people I don't know. I relate with every person on this earth and that's a mind blowing reality. I try to understand how to get along in this world, so I seek first a relationship with my Creator, with my God, and I've found this relationship through Jesus and the Christian faith.
With Jesus, I find the answers I seek. Love begins with God, and every relationship I have is a gift from God to learn how to love more like Him. Foolishly I often choose the opposite of love, I choose to hate others when I am jealous, greedy, prideful, or unforgiving. The hate I choose to show to others makes me miserable and is death on earth. I want Love, I want God, so I choose the way of Christ.
He teaches me how to love others. He shows me, to love completely, I must give up my own life: to empty self of self and fill it with the Love of God. When my selfishness is finally defeated, I can love like Jesus, perfectly. To forgive, to have mercy, to pray for all people, to be patient and kind, to love everyone. It's a difficult command but one I choose and work to live everyday. I love God's way, His perfect plan of salvation found in Jesus Christ and made real with the power of the Spirit. The only way to follow His Way is to Love His Way.

Loving Your Way
Written By Kristin Ball & Paramount Group

Verse

My earthly relationships
Often leave
A hole in my heart
A longing in my soul
A desire in my mind
A wanting to be
Loved more than I love
Failing to see
Christ’s love is enough.

Chorus

So, Here I am
Alone and afraid
But not lonely
Today
Because You’re here
I pray
You’re everything Dear
To me.

Bridge

Living Your way
Is often
A struggle
To Always
Be in Your Light
When the world
Is so dark
Hope is in You
Jesus, my Lord.

Verse

Loving Your way
Always means
No offense in my heart
No grudge in my soul
No pride in my mind
Never wanting to be
Loved more than I love
Choosing to see
You’re Love is enough.

Dwell In Our Souls

Dwell in Our Souls
By Kristin Ball

I want so much to be free
Free from the addictions that enslave me
Free from the habits that consume my life
The distractions that lessen me as a mother and wife.

As a sister and a daughter, I fail to be
The very best person God wants for me
I am a friend of Jesus, a follower of Him
Yet these worldly desires still satisfy a whim.

Certain disaster is the result of my sin
As I search for rest from Christ within
I know that I must depend on my Father alone
But temptations of the flesh are brightly shown.

We live in this world so dark from death
But the life of the Spirit is in our every breath
It is true that Jesus dwells in each baptized heart
When we belong to His Church, He will never depart.

We are protected always by the God of Love
And we’re forever connected with His Kingdom above
No matter the fetish from this world we adopt
Our God cannot be defeated or secretly stopped.

With Faith we believe His love will continue
Because of His Grace there’s only one thing to do
Love our God with everything inside of us
And accept His gift like a child of trust.

Know with humble confidence that the Spirit is strong
Who helps us choose right when we’ve done wrong
There’s nothing on earth that completely controls
When the Father, Son, and Spirit dwell in our souls.

Thank you, Jesus!

Love of My Life, Reason For My Existence

Before we married, my husband always told me I was the love of his life, the reason for his existence. I believed him and still do. We will be celebrating 19 years of marriage September 23, 2008. I am thankful God has blessed us, and pray He will continue to bless us many more years together.
Through all our joys and sorrows, I have learned one thing will always remain to keep our marriage strong; the choice we make everyday to Love God and love each other.

Danny

I see my reflection in your clear blue eyes,
Deeply etched in your blackest skies.
Living these years of love, faith, and hope,
It’s your actions and words that have taught me to cope.

So often I’ve wanted to run away and hide,
away from the pressures that destroy me inside.
But you forced me to look beyond my own pain,
and see your love will always remain.

With your strength and power,
I can face any and all.
From the evil that makes me cower
to the sin that makes me fall.

In love, our faith as husband and wife
is constantly renewed in spite of the strife.
It will always be
just God, you, and me,
together as one,
yet uniquely as three.

Because of you, my love, our life is complete.

Your loving wife,

Kristin
9/23/2000

It's So Easy to Mess Up

Life is good, there is no doubt in my mind of this truth. Yet, so often I feel manipulated and bullied by people in my life. Sometimes it happens in my own family, other times it may be friends or colleagues. Whatever the situation, I know I always fall short of loving like Jesus.

I try everyday to love, to be patient, kind, and unselfish. But it is hard when it seems like others do or say things to intentionally harm another person. It's difficult to be involved in the games people play, which always includes the practices of deception and control. I sometimes wonder why we can't just love each other. What is our problem anyway?

Faithfully God opens my eyes, and shows my sin mirrored in the sin of others. I admit my rebel heart is often selfish and I'm constantly seeking forgiveness from my Father everyday. In turn, he teaches me to forgive as well. I've learned my forgiveness for the hurts people have caused me is forgiveness for myself. I've also learned that forgiveness does not mean accepting abuse. Jesus did not take the bullying from the people of power, and he showed us how to respond to those who continually choose to abuse with their words or actions, always respond with the truth. Finally, I've discovered that those who live by deceiving and controlling other people don't like the truth, yet the Truth is the only way to life.

The truth is I am a sinner. I hurt others, myself, and God with choices I make, yet in the midst of all my faults and failures, one thing always remains, the Truth. In the midst of all the darkness in the world, the light shines and life is good.

Midst of My Sin
By Kristin Ball

Even in the midst of my sin,
I can’t forget Him. The evil won’t win.
Because He loves me, regardless of it all
and shows me that I can stand, whenever I fall.

I am not perfect and that is why,
the Light of the world can make me fly.
I am nothing without my Father’s Son.
It is His perfection that makes us one.

So even though I mess up everyday
and I’m humanly unworthy to show others His way,
I can’t stop thinking of Him and sharing His love
yet others will reject me when push comes to shove.

There’s a freedom and peace in letting go
of all the greed and anger and selfishness I know.
I hate my sin and desire an ending cure,
but it’s dying to myself that makes me pure.

I’m the first to admit that I am a sinner,
but with the sacrifice of Christ, I am a winner.
Regardless of what we may believe or say,
it’s the blood of our Lord that cleanses each day.

Loving God, Loving Self, Loving Others

I think about my life, the years that will become the dash on my tombstone. A reality check I heard at a funeral recently. How have I lived the years between my birth date and death date? A good question to ask and one many do not want to think about, but one that has always been on my mind. I want to live my dash loving people, but I have discovered throughout my life that the only way I can love others is to love God first.

It’s humbling to reflect on these forty years I have lived, and sad to know I could have loved more along the way. In spite of my words and actions, the choices I have made, good and bad, every moment of my life has made me who I am today, and will always be a part of who I am in the future.

I am learning, with God’s help, to accept me for who I am, with all the disgusting weaknesses I despise about myself and all the strengths I love. I am embracing me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. God loves me through it all, regardless of all I have done to hurt others, myself, and Him. He is the One who created me, died for me, and loves me perfectly. Because of Jesus, I know my relationship with God is healed and complete.

This is the one Truth I hope I have taught my children well, there is a God and you can have a relationship with Him. As I look back on my childhood, stretching my memory as far back as it can go, I always remember knowing God was close to me. Drawn to Jesus, I believed He was the way to heaven at a very young age.

In this journey of faith, I am coming to understand the mystery of the Trinity bit by bit, and the truth that God has always been there in my life. I think about the strength of my relationship with God before I allowed the world to influence me with doubt and darkness. This is a poem I wrote about that time in my life of childlike trust, before the darkness of the world made me grow up.

K. A. Before
By Kristin Ball

Always alone,
Finding rest in the calmness of Your breath,
quiet and still, yet alive with Your death.
I listen to my own breathing as it matches Your tone,
whispering in my ear, brushing my face, cooling my skin.
Searching for Your love, wanting to win,
Always being with You.

Right around thirteen years old, I began to doubt God’s love for me because everything seemed so tough: relationships, money, clothes, freedom, school, the future, not to mention all the terrifying wars, diseases, and natural disasters happening around the world. Life was hard, and still is.

But what I didn’t know then that I know now is this simple Truth: Life is good, no matter what happens, because God is there. This life on earth is the time I am given to choose God, who is the very breath I breathe, the life I live.

My body grows, changes, and gets old. There is nothing I can do to change the passage of time, the effects it has on my flesh, or the mistakes I’ve made in the past. My body and mind have taken abuse because of the choices I have made, but my spirit is renewed constantly because I choose to love God. His Spirit lives in me and gives me life through my faith in Jesus and all His Gospel promises to us. Loving God first shows God's love for me and His love for others, so I can love others, too.

Jesus' Greatest Commandment is to Love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. With the power of the Holy Trinity, I live this commandment everyday. I have found freedom with God's Love because I know I am His child, you are His child. Today, may we choose Love.