The Pain We Live

Every person has some kind of pain, whether it’s physical, mental, or spiritual. No matter what, we all suffer pain in our lives. Pain from illness or physical disability, pain from depression or anxiety, pain from a tortured soul caused from addictions or death. Whatever our pain, it is the pain we live.

The pain I live is my own pain of mental depression and anxiety. A severe condition I have suffered from my early twenties. It is a pain I have learned to embrace through the personal relationship I have with God through His Son Jesus Christ. By the continuous presence of the Spirit, I am able to find days of joy and to break free from the anxious worries that often seem to control me. I cannot take antidepressants to help me, so I depend on God. The Truth is constantly shown by the Spirit that deep within my heart God is near, so near that I only need to breathe. So I do.

There’s another pain I live which is not my own, it is my husband’s pain. When he was 18, he suffered a lower back injury, which translated into degenerative disk disease and years of chiropractic care to keep him working and functional. This was our life for 13 years of marriage when our world went tumbling down one cold, wintry day in 2002.

Danny fell on some ice outside of work which started the quick collapse of the L4 disk. The pain was immediate and excruciating and he lived and worked with it for another year because a doctor read the X-rays and said there was nothing wrong. (Wow! As I reflect back on this time in our journey together, I am in awe of my husband’s strength and perseverance to continue working at his job, being a great father and husband, and doing it all in constant, intense pain).

It took a year to get a referral to see a spine specialist, one of the best in Michigan, who told us Danny’s disk collapsed. He was very gracious and protected the first doctor’s reputation by saying it was very difficult to detect this type of disk protrusion because it is rare and happens in less than 10 percent of people suffering from degenerative disk disease. Thankfully, the specialist recommended a surgeon he knew who could do the necessary procedure to fix the problem, which required removal of the collapsed disk and replacing it with a titanium cage that would be filled with a substance to grow bone. This was called fusion and would result in the vertebrae being fused together as one solid bone. We did attempt to get in a study for the artificial disk replacement but Danny would not be accepted because he had possibly two levels of disks that were bad and he also had arthritis in his facet joints. Sadly, the disk replacement was approved by the FDA less than a year after Danny had the fusion. It didn’t matter though, the damage was already done and no surgery could fix the constant intense pain Danny would be destined to live.

When the disk collapsed, the disk material pushed out into the spinal canal similar to the way the white yummy crème squishes out when you squeeze an Oreo cookie. Unfortunately, Danny’s squished cookie wasn’t so yummy, the collapsed disk caused permanent nerve damage. Even more, when the surgeon opened him up, he found the L5 disk had also collapsed and he had to clean out this flattened disk and replace it with a cage as well. The surgery was a success with solid growth of bone and every thing in place, but my husband was still in pain when he woke, and has lived with it ever since.

It has been 4 years since that surgery failed to heal my husband completely, and it has been a long road of acceptance and finding a way to positively live with the pain. Like anyone out there reading this knows, physical pain wears on the mind and causes anger, depression, and thoughts of suicide. My husband has suffered all of these mental problems, directly connected to living a pain which will not go away. But he hasn’t given up. He still goes to Church every Sunday, prays everyday and says the reason he is still alive is because of “God and my wife.” I feel blessed, even in the midst of the pain and suffering. Because in spite of it all, all the hurt we must endure for a lifetime, there is hope. Hope in God, hope in healing, hope in life everlasting. No matter what, we can look to Jesus and find hope in believing and trusting in the God who loves us.

I wrote this song for my husband during one of his times of depression, to give him hope and the determination to live another day, and to live it well.

It Won’t Win
Written By Kristin Ball & Nashville Song Service

Verse
I see my reflection in
Your clear blue eyes
Deeply etched in your
Darkest skies
Seeking and Searching for
Your open door
Only to see my reflection no more


Chorus
Don’t let it win
Don’t let it break you down
Don’t let it cave you in
Cause I’m not ready
To lose you now


Verse
It has stolen you away
From me
Crushing your spirit
Making you flee
Twisting your body like a
Statue of clay
All I can do is hope and pray


Bridge
I pray for
It to end
He will free you
From the chains
I believe
He can mend
He will heal you
From your pains