I think about my life, the years that will become the dash on my tombstone. A reality check I heard at a funeral recently. How have I lived the years between my birth date and death date? A good question to ask and one many do not want to think about, but one that has always been on my mind. I want to live my dash loving people, but I have discovered throughout my life that the only way I can love others is to love God first.
It’s humbling to reflect on these forty years I have lived, and sad to know I could have loved more along the way. In spite of my words and actions, the choices I have made, good and bad, every moment of my life has made me who I am today, and will always be a part of who I am in the future.
I am learning, with God’s help, to accept me for who I am, with all the disgusting weaknesses I despise about myself and all the strengths I love. I am embracing me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. God loves me through it all, regardless of all I have done to hurt others, myself, and Him. He is the One who created me, died for me, and loves me perfectly. Because of Jesus, I know my relationship with God is healed and complete.
This is the one Truth I hope I have taught my children well, there is a God and you can have a relationship with Him. As I look back on my childhood, stretching my memory as far back as it can go, I always remember knowing God was close to me. Drawn to Jesus, I believed He was the way to heaven at a very young age.
In this journey of faith, I am coming to understand the mystery of the Trinity bit by bit, and the truth that God has always been there in my life. I think about the strength of my relationship with God before I allowed the world to influence me with doubt and darkness. This is a poem I wrote about that time in my life of childlike trust, before the darkness of the world made me grow up.
K. A. Before
By Kristin Ball
Always alone,
Finding rest in the calmness of Your breath,
quiet and still, yet alive with Your death.
I listen to my own breathing as it matches Your tone,
whispering in my ear, brushing my face, cooling my skin.
Searching for Your love, wanting to win,
Always being with You.
Right around thirteen years old, I began to doubt God’s love for me because everything seemed so tough: relationships, money, clothes, freedom, school, the future, not to mention all the terrifying wars, diseases, and natural disasters happening around the world. Life was hard, and still is.
But what I didn’t know then that I know now is this simple Truth: Life is good, no matter what happens, because God is there. This life on earth is the time I am given to choose God, who is the very breath I breathe, the life I live.
My body grows, changes, and gets old. There is nothing I can do to change the passage of time, the effects it has on my flesh, or the mistakes I’ve made in the past. My body and mind have taken abuse because of the choices I have made, but my spirit is renewed constantly because I choose to love God. His Spirit lives in me and gives me life through my faith in Jesus and all His Gospel promises to us. Loving God first shows God's love for me and His love for others, so I can love others, too.
Jesus' Greatest Commandment is to Love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. With the power of the Holy Trinity, I live this commandment everyday. I have found freedom with God's Love because I know I am His child, you are His child. Today, may we choose Love.
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