Blink and It's Gone

It's hard to believe it's November already. I was reading my past posts and it seems like yesterday when I last blogged, but the date shows two months have subtly slipped by. It amazes me how quickly time passes, and as a mother and a teacher, it seems like there is never enough time.

In less than two weeks my twin sons will be celebrating their 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday when I brought them home from the hospital and sat on the couch crying as they both cried in stereo. I was a terrified young mother of two precious babies and it was time to think of someone other than myself for the second time in my life. To sacrifice for my sons has been an awesome privelege, but sacrificing for my husband has been a difficult journey.

My marriage is an adventure, which is both challenging and rewarding. In a culture where traditional marriage is under attack, divorce is the norm, and children are treated as possessions in nasty battles, I have been blessed with a lasting and happy marriage. Though my eighteen year marriage has been a bumpy road to travel, it has also been an exciting journey of love. My husband and I have chosen our marriage over self many times throughout the years, and with our sacrifice, we have found great joy in each other and the family we have built.

In our society today, we are still fighting about marriage and who can get married. We have lost focus in the middle of this war, while many battles have been fought defending traditional marriage and promoting modern unions. We have lost focus about what marriage is all about in the first place. Now, judges and politicians are demanding a definition of marriage in order to say who can get married in our country. Unfortunately, the question of the purpose of marriage is clouded by the demands for individual rights. For me, marriage is about sacrifice, for your spouse, your children, your community, and your country. But because of all this fighting and confusion, marriage has become a game, and no one is the winner.

I believe marriage is a union between one man and one woman and it is the most solid foundation for bringing children into the world. Strong family units create strong societies, and the new American family televised in our modern culture doesn't even begin to stand against the trials and tribulations of the world. Instead we have let the selfish desires of individuals influence the real purpose of marriage. Marriage, for thousands of years, had the essential purpose of building families, which in turn built societies. In modern years, marriage has become nothing more than a cultural controversy of who can get married and for what reasons. And in the midst of all this arguing, families are divorcing, wars are being waged between parents and children, and courts are settling heated family disputes. All of this bitter division has cost our country, not only money, but it has cost us our unity.

Maybe we need to stop fighting, and start loving. Maybe we need to respect one another and support marriage as it has been since the beginning of time for the sake of the common good. Maybe we need to act unselfishly and sacrifice our individual wants for the benefit of the whole group. It's time to decide why we have marriage in the first place and then defend the very purpose of it. Marriage is the foundation for families and the solid rock on which our country stands...without strong marriages and families, what will happen to our society?

Maybe it's time, we the people of the United States of America make the ultimate sacrifice...let marriage be!

Ultimate Sacrifice

There’s deep sorrow but no contempt for this world of death and despair.

Who’s at fault for our human condition?

If all are innocent, can death be fair?

There’s deep loneliness to try to attempt to live completely unique and unaware.

Who’s responsible for this worldly opposition?

God alone is sovereign, should we ask with prayer?

There’s deep awe in tempting our God for His passion is to especially care.

Who’s going to give eternal life with His mission?

Why recklessly refuse His Grace that is abundantly rare?

There’s deep desire to love and be loved only a few are exempt from His plan to pair.

Who’s willing to watch over God’s marriage tradition?

It’s time to let Christ lead us, In His sacrifice we must share.

With Love, Kristin A. Ball

February 26, 2001

Life, Death, and What's Real

Life seems so trival in our society, and this truth is not any different than it was in the past. History has proven that human beings disregard the life of human beings. Because we fear death so much, we try to control it, we try to make it our choice. But we have no choice, death on this earth is inevitable. This reality has driven me to find a way to accept death as something more than just death, more than just the end of life on earth. Instead, I have come to believe, through the Good News of Jesus Christ, death is the the birth of a new life. In my search for the desire of my heart, I found Jesus to be the Resurrection, the way to life, the truth who lives.

Born as a Catholic, and still a devoted practicing Catholic who loves the tradition, the sacraments, Mary and the Pope, I believe Jesus is Real Life. Even though my faith has been an intricate part of my life since I was born, I have often struggled with the Mystery of the Trinity. Always seeking answers to who God is by reading His Word, looking for proof in verses such as Genesis 1:24, where God says, "Let us make man in our image..." The italics emphasize the proof I found from God's own Word. Many years ago, this verse was proof to me, and still is, Jesus and the Spirit have always been with the Father from the beginning of creation. 

But, with my relentless searching for proof that Jesus is true, proof of who He is, and what He did, I often failed to trust Him with all my heart, mind and soul. Finally, last summer, I let go completely and gave everything to Jesus. And I discovered something truly amazing, freedom.  I discovered freedom from my sins in a way I've never experienced before, freedom from my fears, freedom from guilt and shame.  Jesus came into my heart and showed me exactly how real He is.  He is life, He is Love, and for just over a year now, I have come to love life in a new way. I love life because Jesus has shown me love for myself, and love for others.

I believe in the power of God, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  I believe in His power to destroy my demons, my sins, my blackness that have often pushed me to hate life and to desire an end to all the pain and suffering. I choose to follow Him daily, I choose Real Life. He gives me hope for life everlasting, and because I seek Him in prayer, Mass, the Eucharist, His Word, nature, and always with my husband and sons and others in my life, I have come to love life intensely. 

So often throughout my life, living would seem intolerable, and death a welcome end. But I know I must trust God and accept His Perfect Plan. He, alone, decides when to bring me home, and for now, I must learn to love my life, in spite of all the pain and suffering He asks me to endure. This journey is building me, transforming me into a perfect soul. I look forward to the day when I can live forever in unity with the Father, Son, Spirit and with the Saints of His Church. I look forward to the day when life is real, true, and perfect. Thank God for Life!

Real Life

I stand for life
but must live to embrace the truth of human death.

I search for love

but must live to love those who hate until my last breath.
I look for justice
but must live in faith that He holds righteousness in His hand.
I long for God
but must live out His plan in this painfully selfish land.

With Love,
Kristin A. Ball
February 8, 2001

There's Nothing Like Being a Mom

As I reflect on how quickly my twin sons have grown into amazing young men, I am filled with a mixture of joy and sorrow. I'm joyful because they have become the independent young men I always prayed they would become one day. I'm sorrowful, because the memories I recall of every step and stage of their lives, fills me with sweet love and, also, bitter sadness. They'll never be little again, sitting together on my lap as we rock in the rocking chair, reading a book, talking, or holding their precious little hands in mine. I remember their tiny voices, their endless questions, their curious minds, their contagious laughter. I remember, but I can't go back.

Time moves on and we can only move forward with time. My sons are marching forward into their senior year, so excited about the life they are about to embrace. Their life, not mine. I've always told them that God has special plans for them, all they need to do is trust and believe, and I must do the same. Believe and trust God will lead, guide and protect them as they live this gift of life. Of course, God is not always the most important Person in their lives as they meet wonderful young women, hang with their best buds, and experience the beauty of the world around them. But I don't give up on the faith I have taught them since the day they were born. I have written on their minds God's truth, and I pray He has written on their hearts. I wrote this poem, Sons of Wisdom, for their graduation day. I will give them these words as a perpetual prayer for their life, their future.

Today, I share it with you. May every Mom who reads these words be blessed with children who love you and blessed with joy as you continue to live the most important job on our planet. There's nothing like being a Mom.

Sons of Wisdom
Written by Kristin Ball

Dear Sons
What can I say?
To help you know
The Truth and the Way
I quietly pray
You’ll know the One
There’s no greater joy
Than faithful sons.

When you only love
What you see and touch
Not loving the One you can’t see.
Finding wisdom
In this wealthy world
Is never a reality
Ask for Wisdom
From the God of Love
And you will grow to be
The men you’re meant to be.

Only God reveals the truth
There’s little I can do
It’s the Power of the Spirit
He’ll carry you through
So when life becomes grim
Please, my sons
Don’t give up on Him.

Sons of Wisdom
You’re called to be
Greater than you think
Follow His Word
Live His Way
Stay forever linked.
Make your mistakes
Learning all you can
And you will grow to be
The men you’re meant to be.

We Are All Teachers

We teach one another and we learn from one another. Even though teaching is the career I chose which helps support my family, I know to teach is something we all do. Parents teach their children how to walk, talk, and especially, how to love. Parents teach their children about life and how to manage in this world of difficulties and challenges. Siblings teach one another how to play games, make a craft, or get along in school. Friends teach each other how to have fun, let go of worry, and depend on one another. Children teach adults and adults teach children. We spend everyday of our life on earth teaching and learning. I often tell my students that as soon as they stop learning, they stop living. I believe this to be true because growth in heart, mind, body, and soul are essential to life. When we stop growing, we shrivel up and die.

As a teacher, I have summers off. But my summers are not lazy days. Not only do I recreate mind, body, and spirit for another school year of intense curriculum, and meeting the needs of every one of my students, I also take classes to learn, to become better, to grow. I took two amazing classes this summer, stuffed with tons of information I couldn't even begin to fit into my tiny brain, but I learned a wealth of knowledge. I learned how to strive to be a better teacher, a better mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I wrote this poem after taking my first class in June. It's a poem for teachers, but one I think will benefit us all, because the truth is, we are all teachers.

Free From Mediocrity
By Kristin Ball

Good, Better, Best
Circle the one you choose
What kind of teacher are you?

If you choose Good that’s okay
There’s nothing wrong
With teaching the right way.
Being a Good teacher
You’re doing everything you’re asked
The students learn
and you complete the tasks.

Maybe though, you can hope to be
More than Good, it’s better you see
Wanting more for your students
Is possible when
You know you’re better
Than just being good, and then
You learn and grow everyday,
Becoming a Better teacher in every way.

Growing better leads to the Best
Making you a Great teacher
You rise above the rest.

To be the Best
You reach far and wide,
To not only teach so students learn
But to inspire, guide
and spark fires that burn.
Becoming red hot flames
They are beacons of Light,
You’re impacting your students
To stand up for what’s right.
For love and justice
Everyone finds
You are a Teacher
Freeing young minds.

After the Sorrow, Comes Joy

From Proverbs 14:13, God says, "Even in laughter the heart may be sad, and the end of joy may be sorrow." God led me to this verse one night several years ago when I was overwhelmed by another cycle of sadness, which were, and still are marked days of depression I suffer each month because of PMS. As I read God's Word that night, my heart full of painful sorrow, bitter tears I had just wept, He spoke to me. He told me joy is not a constant on this earth. I cannot always be happy, and there will be times, when in my sorrow, I still must laugh. I must save my tears of sadness for private time with Him.

As a teacher, this revelation was life changing. My depression would sometimes devastate me to the point of where I couldn't even move, but I had to get up and teach, it was my job and my calling. I wanted to find joy in teaching my students, regardless of how I felt. But there were days when I would cry in class, and it was difficult for my precious students to endure. I didn't want to burden anyone with my sadness and other emotional issues (anger, anxiety, and paranoia are also symptoms of PMS and can be a problem in maintaining healthy relationships), so I searched for a cure. I tried in vain countless medical treatments, which often made my symptoms worse.

Then, about four years ago, God spoke to me through His Word. He said, "Even in laughter the heart may be sad, and the end of joy may be sorrow." He spoke these words to me as an encouragement, and they have hung on my mirror ever since. He reminds me every day that my sadness is okay because it is the result of our human condition. When I'm sad and I weep without reason, God gives my tears purpose. Now, I weep in the presence of my Father alone, and He gives me the strength to laugh with others, even though my heart may be sad.

In the moment of sorrow, I am lost in a pit of darkness and all I can do is call out to Him and ask why?! He answers me and tells me my tears are for a reason. So I weep, an all physical and soulful sobbing for the unborn children who won't be born. I cry for my sons, my stepdaughter, my nieces and nephews, my students and all the pain and suffering our children must endure in this world. I cry for the poor, the sick and the dying. God tells me to cry because of the pain others must suffer and He gives my tears meaning. And truly, God does gather all my tears and turns them into dancing. Because after the sorrow, comes joy.

Laughter in My Sorrow
Written by Kristin Ball & Nashville Song Service

Verse
When I open my eyes
There’s someone I see
My God in the stars
Who created me
Nudging me out
For another day
Of facing this world
So dark and gray.

Chorus
Even when I laugh
My heart may be sad
And the end of my joy
Is sorrow
Yet I know Your Truth
That the sadness
Will end
And Your joy will return
Tomorrow

Verse
Each day a journey
That leads me home
Where perfect joy
And love are found
You save me, Lord
You’re Love I proclaim
You’re the Door
In Your arms I remain.

Bridge
I pray so
I can simply be
Free from this sadness
That crushes me
Without You, Dear Jesus
I could never be
One with my God
Who wants me.

The Time is Now

In recent years, I have made a sincere effort to live each day with the attitude that now is always the time to make a change with the way I think, feel, or act. To say I'm sorry, to try harder, to endure a difficult situation, to let go of anger, to choose to love are all ways I can allow my heart and mind to be transformed by God. It seems impossible at times, certain days or even hours of the day, to choose to be humble and let go of hurt. Always, though, my strength is just a breath away as I pray and reach out to the One who can make everything better. Love, peace, joy, hope, and faith-all that is good in life is perfectly found in our Creator. The time is now to be free...

Happy Independence Day!

Time
Song Poem By Kristin Ball

It's time to say I'm sorry
It's time to say I've changed
It's time to say I'm done
Of living an infernal rage
It's time to look for good
It's time to look for truth
It's time to look for hope
By finding me anew
It's time to let it go
It's time to let it fly
It's time to let it soar
And stop asking for reasons why
It's time to praise you
To give it all away
To lay it at your feet
And know I’ll be okay
It’s time to glorify You
To let Your joy shine
To point to You this day
And know You’re always mine
You’re the One I choose
You’re the Way to Life
You’re everything I need
It’s time to be free.

The Pain We Live

Every person has some kind of pain, whether it’s physical, mental, or spiritual. No matter what, we all suffer pain in our lives. Pain from illness or physical disability, pain from depression or anxiety, pain from a tortured soul caused from addictions or death. Whatever our pain, it is the pain we live.

The pain I live is my own pain of mental depression and anxiety. A severe condition I have suffered from my early twenties. It is a pain I have learned to embrace through the personal relationship I have with God through His Son Jesus Christ. By the continuous presence of the Spirit, I am able to find days of joy and to break free from the anxious worries that often seem to control me. I cannot take antidepressants to help me, so I depend on God. The Truth is constantly shown by the Spirit that deep within my heart God is near, so near that I only need to breathe. So I do.

There’s another pain I live which is not my own, it is my husband’s pain. When he was 18, he suffered a lower back injury, which translated into degenerative disk disease and years of chiropractic care to keep him working and functional. This was our life for 13 years of marriage when our world went tumbling down one cold, wintry day in 2002.

Danny fell on some ice outside of work which started the quick collapse of the L4 disk. The pain was immediate and excruciating and he lived and worked with it for another year because a doctor read the X-rays and said there was nothing wrong. (Wow! As I reflect back on this time in our journey together, I am in awe of my husband’s strength and perseverance to continue working at his job, being a great father and husband, and doing it all in constant, intense pain).

It took a year to get a referral to see a spine specialist, one of the best in Michigan, who told us Danny’s disk collapsed. He was very gracious and protected the first doctor’s reputation by saying it was very difficult to detect this type of disk protrusion because it is rare and happens in less than 10 percent of people suffering from degenerative disk disease. Thankfully, the specialist recommended a surgeon he knew who could do the necessary procedure to fix the problem, which required removal of the collapsed disk and replacing it with a titanium cage that would be filled with a substance to grow bone. This was called fusion and would result in the vertebrae being fused together as one solid bone. We did attempt to get in a study for the artificial disk replacement but Danny would not be accepted because he had possibly two levels of disks that were bad and he also had arthritis in his facet joints. Sadly, the disk replacement was approved by the FDA less than a year after Danny had the fusion. It didn’t matter though, the damage was already done and no surgery could fix the constant intense pain Danny would be destined to live.

When the disk collapsed, the disk material pushed out into the spinal canal similar to the way the white yummy crème squishes out when you squeeze an Oreo cookie. Unfortunately, Danny’s squished cookie wasn’t so yummy, the collapsed disk caused permanent nerve damage. Even more, when the surgeon opened him up, he found the L5 disk had also collapsed and he had to clean out this flattened disk and replace it with a cage as well. The surgery was a success with solid growth of bone and every thing in place, but my husband was still in pain when he woke, and has lived with it ever since.

It has been 4 years since that surgery failed to heal my husband completely, and it has been a long road of acceptance and finding a way to positively live with the pain. Like anyone out there reading this knows, physical pain wears on the mind and causes anger, depression, and thoughts of suicide. My husband has suffered all of these mental problems, directly connected to living a pain which will not go away. But he hasn’t given up. He still goes to Church every Sunday, prays everyday and says the reason he is still alive is because of “God and my wife.” I feel blessed, even in the midst of the pain and suffering. Because in spite of it all, all the hurt we must endure for a lifetime, there is hope. Hope in God, hope in healing, hope in life everlasting. No matter what, we can look to Jesus and find hope in believing and trusting in the God who loves us.

I wrote this song for my husband during one of his times of depression, to give him hope and the determination to live another day, and to live it well.

It Won’t Win
Written By Kristin Ball & Nashville Song Service

Verse
I see my reflection in
Your clear blue eyes
Deeply etched in your
Darkest skies
Seeking and Searching for
Your open door
Only to see my reflection no more


Chorus
Don’t let it win
Don’t let it break you down
Don’t let it cave you in
Cause I’m not ready
To lose you now


Verse
It has stolen you away
From me
Crushing your spirit
Making you flee
Twisting your body like a
Statue of clay
All I can do is hope and pray


Bridge
I pray for
It to end
He will free you
From the chains
I believe
He can mend
He will heal you
From your pains