After the Sorrow, Comes Joy

From Proverbs 14:13, God says, "Even in laughter the heart may be sad, and the end of joy may be sorrow." God led me to this verse one night several years ago when I was overwhelmed by another cycle of sadness, which were, and still are marked days of depression I suffer each month because of PMS. As I read God's Word that night, my heart full of painful sorrow, bitter tears I had just wept, He spoke to me. He told me joy is not a constant on this earth. I cannot always be happy, and there will be times, when in my sorrow, I still must laugh. I must save my tears of sadness for private time with Him.

As a teacher, this revelation was life changing. My depression would sometimes devastate me to the point of where I couldn't even move, but I had to get up and teach, it was my job and my calling. I wanted to find joy in teaching my students, regardless of how I felt. But there were days when I would cry in class, and it was difficult for my precious students to endure. I didn't want to burden anyone with my sadness and other emotional issues (anger, anxiety, and paranoia are also symptoms of PMS and can be a problem in maintaining healthy relationships), so I searched for a cure. I tried in vain countless medical treatments, which often made my symptoms worse.

Then, about four years ago, God spoke to me through His Word. He said, "Even in laughter the heart may be sad, and the end of joy may be sorrow." He spoke these words to me as an encouragement, and they have hung on my mirror ever since. He reminds me every day that my sadness is okay because it is the result of our human condition. When I'm sad and I weep without reason, God gives my tears purpose. Now, I weep in the presence of my Father alone, and He gives me the strength to laugh with others, even though my heart may be sad.

In the moment of sorrow, I am lost in a pit of darkness and all I can do is call out to Him and ask why?! He answers me and tells me my tears are for a reason. So I weep, an all physical and soulful sobbing for the unborn children who won't be born. I cry for my sons, my stepdaughter, my nieces and nephews, my students and all the pain and suffering our children must endure in this world. I cry for the poor, the sick and the dying. God tells me to cry because of the pain others must suffer and He gives my tears meaning. And truly, God does gather all my tears and turns them into dancing. Because after the sorrow, comes joy.

Laughter in My Sorrow
Written by Kristin Ball & Nashville Song Service

Verse
When I open my eyes
There’s someone I see
My God in the stars
Who created me
Nudging me out
For another day
Of facing this world
So dark and gray.

Chorus
Even when I laugh
My heart may be sad
And the end of my joy
Is sorrow
Yet I know Your Truth
That the sadness
Will end
And Your joy will return
Tomorrow

Verse
Each day a journey
That leads me home
Where perfect joy
And love are found
You save me, Lord
You’re Love I proclaim
You’re the Door
In Your arms I remain.

Bridge
I pray so
I can simply be
Free from this sadness
That crushes me
Without You, Dear Jesus
I could never be
One with my God
Who wants me.

The Time is Now

In recent years, I have made a sincere effort to live each day with the attitude that now is always the time to make a change with the way I think, feel, or act. To say I'm sorry, to try harder, to endure a difficult situation, to let go of anger, to choose to love are all ways I can allow my heart and mind to be transformed by God. It seems impossible at times, certain days or even hours of the day, to choose to be humble and let go of hurt. Always, though, my strength is just a breath away as I pray and reach out to the One who can make everything better. Love, peace, joy, hope, and faith-all that is good in life is perfectly found in our Creator. The time is now to be free...

Happy Independence Day!

Time
Song Poem By Kristin Ball

It's time to say I'm sorry
It's time to say I've changed
It's time to say I'm done
Of living an infernal rage
It's time to look for good
It's time to look for truth
It's time to look for hope
By finding me anew
It's time to let it go
It's time to let it fly
It's time to let it soar
And stop asking for reasons why
It's time to praise you
To give it all away
To lay it at your feet
And know I’ll be okay
It’s time to glorify You
To let Your joy shine
To point to You this day
And know You’re always mine
You’re the One I choose
You’re the Way to Life
You’re everything I need
It’s time to be free.

The Pain We Live

Every person has some kind of pain, whether it’s physical, mental, or spiritual. No matter what, we all suffer pain in our lives. Pain from illness or physical disability, pain from depression or anxiety, pain from a tortured soul caused from addictions or death. Whatever our pain, it is the pain we live.

The pain I live is my own pain of mental depression and anxiety. A severe condition I have suffered from my early twenties. It is a pain I have learned to embrace through the personal relationship I have with God through His Son Jesus Christ. By the continuous presence of the Spirit, I am able to find days of joy and to break free from the anxious worries that often seem to control me. I cannot take antidepressants to help me, so I depend on God. The Truth is constantly shown by the Spirit that deep within my heart God is near, so near that I only need to breathe. So I do.

There’s another pain I live which is not my own, it is my husband’s pain. When he was 18, he suffered a lower back injury, which translated into degenerative disk disease and years of chiropractic care to keep him working and functional. This was our life for 13 years of marriage when our world went tumbling down one cold, wintry day in 2002.

Danny fell on some ice outside of work which started the quick collapse of the L4 disk. The pain was immediate and excruciating and he lived and worked with it for another year because a doctor read the X-rays and said there was nothing wrong. (Wow! As I reflect back on this time in our journey together, I am in awe of my husband’s strength and perseverance to continue working at his job, being a great father and husband, and doing it all in constant, intense pain).

It took a year to get a referral to see a spine specialist, one of the best in Michigan, who told us Danny’s disk collapsed. He was very gracious and protected the first doctor’s reputation by saying it was very difficult to detect this type of disk protrusion because it is rare and happens in less than 10 percent of people suffering from degenerative disk disease. Thankfully, the specialist recommended a surgeon he knew who could do the necessary procedure to fix the problem, which required removal of the collapsed disk and replacing it with a titanium cage that would be filled with a substance to grow bone. This was called fusion and would result in the vertebrae being fused together as one solid bone. We did attempt to get in a study for the artificial disk replacement but Danny would not be accepted because he had possibly two levels of disks that were bad and he also had arthritis in his facet joints. Sadly, the disk replacement was approved by the FDA less than a year after Danny had the fusion. It didn’t matter though, the damage was already done and no surgery could fix the constant intense pain Danny would be destined to live.

When the disk collapsed, the disk material pushed out into the spinal canal similar to the way the white yummy crème squishes out when you squeeze an Oreo cookie. Unfortunately, Danny’s squished cookie wasn’t so yummy, the collapsed disk caused permanent nerve damage. Even more, when the surgeon opened him up, he found the L5 disk had also collapsed and he had to clean out this flattened disk and replace it with a cage as well. The surgery was a success with solid growth of bone and every thing in place, but my husband was still in pain when he woke, and has lived with it ever since.

It has been 4 years since that surgery failed to heal my husband completely, and it has been a long road of acceptance and finding a way to positively live with the pain. Like anyone out there reading this knows, physical pain wears on the mind and causes anger, depression, and thoughts of suicide. My husband has suffered all of these mental problems, directly connected to living a pain which will not go away. But he hasn’t given up. He still goes to Church every Sunday, prays everyday and says the reason he is still alive is because of “God and my wife.” I feel blessed, even in the midst of the pain and suffering. Because in spite of it all, all the hurt we must endure for a lifetime, there is hope. Hope in God, hope in healing, hope in life everlasting. No matter what, we can look to Jesus and find hope in believing and trusting in the God who loves us.

I wrote this song for my husband during one of his times of depression, to give him hope and the determination to live another day, and to live it well.

It Won’t Win
Written By Kristin Ball & Nashville Song Service

Verse
I see my reflection in
Your clear blue eyes
Deeply etched in your
Darkest skies
Seeking and Searching for
Your open door
Only to see my reflection no more


Chorus
Don’t let it win
Don’t let it break you down
Don’t let it cave you in
Cause I’m not ready
To lose you now


Verse
It has stolen you away
From me
Crushing your spirit
Making you flee
Twisting your body like a
Statue of clay
All I can do is hope and pray


Bridge
I pray for
It to end
He will free you
From the chains
I believe
He can mend
He will heal you
From your pains