I am a woman who suffers from monthly cycles of depression, only recently diagnosed as PMDD: Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. For about ten days nearly every month, I struggle with finding a positive attitude about relationships, work, and church. In fact, I often become despondent and full of despair, and I fail to find the good in life.
On these days, I hold onto the hope that the tears will end, the deep soulful sorrow, the desperate hopelessness, and the intense anger are symptoms of my condition, and they have no power over me. At least, that is what I must tell myself on the days when I can't help but feel these painful emotions.
After years of trying to treat my condition medically, with prescription drugs that did not work, and only seemed to worsen my symptoms, I decided to abandon the man-made solution and depend on God for my emotional comfort. With prayer, His Word, and His Sacraments, I find peace in the midst of my sorrow.
This past week, I have been suffering days of sadness and weeping. It is so deep and sorrowful, my heart and soul are in agony. Those who suffer depression understand the pain I describe. During these days, it is hard to get into His Word, but thankfully the Lord pursues me.
Yesterday, in my 7th grade religion class, a student asked me about a psalm reference which led me to scan through the book of psalms. My Lord captured my attention with the words, Prayer of One in Sorrow, Psalm 13.
It is a very short chapter, and I read the whole thing in seconds, soaking in His words of hope and truth. The last verse of the chapter filled my heart with gratitude and my mind with love. They say: ...Let my heart rejoice in your salvation; let me sing of the Lord, "He has been good to me." Psalm 13:6
When I read these words from my Creator, my heart is filled with joy to know He will always be there for me. My God leads me to a place of contentment so I can once again find a reason and purpose for this difficult life. God is always there, and He tells me the truth, I have so much to love in life, even when my feelings and thoughts try to tell me something different.
He is always speaking to me, loving me, consoling me, and strengthening me in so many ways, in prayer, His Church, and His Word. He helps me focus on what is true and lovely. When I read His Word, I am filled with hope and a true sense of purpose, no matter what my heart may feel or my mind may think, I am loved by my God, and that is something worth living for.
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